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Transcription:At the Movies
[We start with a red screen that has a filmstrip that says '''AT THE MOVIES WITH EBERT AND ROEPER' on it in cursive writing. After a second, we fade to Roger Ebert sitting in a movie theater balcony.]'' Roger Ebert: '''Good evening; I'm Roger Ebert, and Roeper's out with a bad case of "Who gives a f**k?", so, guest-hosting with me is director M. Night Shyamalan. '''M. Night Shyamalan: (excited) What a twist! Roger Ebert: (sarcastically) Yeah, what a twist. First up, a "three-quel" to the popular "Transporter" franchise. [We cut to the inside of Frank Martin's car from the "Transporter" series with Miss Daisy (from "Driving Miss Daisy") sitting behind him, and the title '''TRANSPORTER 3' underneath.]'' Miss Daisy: '''(impatient) I'm late for my Bridge game! I'm telling Boolie you're my worst driver yet! '''Frank: '''Miss Daisy, the first rule when entering a man's car- (gets hit by Daisy with her purse) '''Miss Daisy: ''Don't sass me,'' and stop that infernal ticking! Frank: 'Ticking? (looks out through the window at the bottom of the car and sees a bomb planted there) Hang on. ''pulls the gearshift into super speed mode, and Miss Daisy screams in fright and is tossed around as Frank starts to zoom the car. It breaks through a swinging gate and speeds to the top of a screw-shaped parking garage. '''Miss Daisy: Oh, watch out! What are you doing?! car crashes through one of the top's fences and bounces off of a trampoline (where two kids are playing on it and jump out of the way just in time). We cut back to in the car, where Miss Daisy is still being tossed around, and then back outside, where the car does several flips, zooms down a skiing hill, and flies through the air. Thinking quickly, Frank uses a cola can to flip the car upside-down. Miss Daisy: 'Oh, look out! Look out! ''car zooms toward a blimp, Frank throws the bomb onto its gondola, and the entire blimp blows up in a big explosion. 'Miss Daisy: '''Oh, ''no! fortunately, the car dives back down to Earth and onto the road just in time. '''Miss Daisy: (now cheerful) Oh, Frank, (pats his shoulder) you're my best friend. snap back to Ebert. Roger Ebert: Well, they were going to deliver a bomb one way or another. Thumbs down. ''(gives one as he says this) '''M. Night Shyamalan: '(circling with his hands) Lots of aerial twists! Roger Ebert: Next up, Adam Sandler takes on another dramatic role as America's fourth president, James Madison. snap to George Washington and Thomas Jefferson standing in front of the White House as Adam Sandler, playing the role of James Madison, tricycles over to them. The title '''HAPPY MADISON '''is underneath. Thomas Jefferson: 'You suck, Madison! '''James Madison: '''Ha ha ha ha! SHUT UP! ''kicks Jefferson in the crotch, making him collapse to the ground in pain. Afraid of being kicked next, Washington runs off-screen. A second later, George Clinton walks into the shot and waves hello to us. '''Ebert as Narrator: 'Rob Schneider plays double duty as vice president, George Clinton, ''suffers a heart attack, falls backwards, and dies. who died in office from a severe heart attack. stands back up and waves hello again. Rob Schneider returns as Elbridge Gerry, Madison's '''second vice president, dies. who also died in office from a severe heart attack. snap back to Ebert again. Roger Ebert: I'' wouldn't eat that movie if it was a sandwich. ''Thumbs down. ''(gives another one) '''M. Night Shyamalan: '(musing)' '''Rob Schneider... what a twit! '''Roger Ebert: '''The original Rudy was about a short, stout football player; Rudy ''2 is about 90 minutes long. [The next shot shows a wrestling ring with two fighters (one of them being Rudy, who is being prepared by his manager, Fortune) sitting on the opposite ends. The title' RUDY 2 is underneath as well.]'' 'Rudy: '(ecstatic) I'm doing it, Fortune! I'm living my dream! 'Fortune: '''Remember what I said - keep your hands up, and (makes punching motions) jab, jab, JAB! ''two wrestlers run to fight each other in the middle of the ring. '''Rudy: I'm doing it! I'm really doing it! the big boxer punches him twice in the face, making his nose bleed. Fortune: Knock him out! That's good! Rudy: I'm doing it! big boxer continues to punch Rudy's face, making it bleed more and bruising it. Fortune: Keep your guard up! Keep your guard up! You're doing it, son! Rudy: I'm doing it! big boxer still punches Rudy's face, bruising it even more. Fortune: '''Yeah, yeah! Burn it, son! Burn it! '''Rudy: (in slow motion) I'm doing it! big boxer gives Rudy one last huge punch, making his gum guard and his left eyeball pop out of his skull. We, once again, cut back to the two movie reviewers. Roger Ebert: Rudy 2-dy: not fresh, not fruity. (gives yet another thumbs down) M. Night Shyamalan: 'What a fist! ''next scene (with the title '''The Nightmare Before Hanukkah '''underneath) shows Jack Skellington opening up a menorah-shaped door on a tree to a Hanukkah-themed land. '''Jack Skellington: (walking up to a colonial house) What's this? (looks through one window to see a Pilgrim-like family sitting by a menorah on a table with the kids about to open their presents) What's this? ''There's magic in the air! ''boy opens up his present to reveal a pair of red socks, and he looks appalled at this. The girl also looks offended as she unwraps two blue candles for her present. Jack Skellington: (now realizing how Hanukkah feels) Oh, wow. This sucks. yet again, snap back to the two movie reviewers. Roger Ebert: 'I couldn't agree more. '''M. Night Shyamalan: '''Gefilte fish! ''[Ebert just slaps his head at this comment. In the next shot, which is of a fake third installment to the movie ''Speed (with the title '''SPEED 3 underneath as well), a school bus is driving on a highway overpass. Inside, Jack Traven is talking to a group of kids.]'' Jack Traven: 'If this drops drops below 50 MPH, we're all going to die! ''children only cheer at this comment, making him slap his head in frustration. 'Jack Traven: '''We are running out of gas! ''children start to sing "The Wheels on the Bus"; as they do so, the bus reaches the end of the road and falls off, crashing and presumably killing everyone. We then, once more, snap back to Ebert. '''Roger Ebert: '''Stop the short bus; I want to get off. ''Thumbs down. ''(gives one last one) '''M. Night Shyamalan: '''It was okay. '''Roger Ebert: Finally, we'll look at one of next week's new releases. Liam Neeson reprises his Oscar-nominated role in "Schindler's List 2". final preview starts with three Nazis in a Nazi-style office studying a map on a desk with the movie's title underneath. A second later, Oskar Schindler kicks the door open. Announcer: 'He's making a list; he's checking it twice! ''he says this, the two men on the desk's sides run over to fight him, but Schindler grabs their heads and bangs them together, knocking them to the floor. He then steps on both of their crotches, making them squirm in pain. '''Announcer: He's going to find out who's Nazi...or nice! next part shows Schindler grabbing the man that sits at the desk (who looks very afraid), holding him over his head, throwing him onto the desk (breaking it into pieces and ripping the map in half), and doing a butt-stomp on him. In the last part, Schindler shoots wildly (with one gun in front of him, and the other behind his head) at several more Nazis while the camera does a revolving pan around him. Announcer: Schindler's List 2: Schindler's PISSED! sketch cuts back to the two reviewers for the final time. M. Night Shyamalan: '''What a list! '''Roger Ebert: (sighs in exasperation) Why couldn't you ''come down with a case of "Who gives a f**k?"? ''ending credits start after the final quote. ---- Category:Transcriptions